Sunrise. Sunset. A Ticking Clock May 19, 2009
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I dreamt, a week ago, of huge waves crashing, swallowing people, buildings and everything in its path. As the waves loom in front of me, threatening to engulf me in a matter of seconds, I tried, in a futile attempt to close the windows, bolt the door, to put as much distance as I could between me and the impending destructive force. But a deep sense of regret hit me first - that I will never have the chance to tell the people that I care about, just how much they mean to me.
*****
Sometimes, I wish I know how much borrowed time I have left. Maybe then I will finally acknowledge what or who matters. A ticking clock gives you the courage to do or say things that you were never able to in the past.
Live the day as if it was your last - is really quite different from - live the day because it is your last. Yes, we can live each day without regrets now (or try to) but admit it, at the back of your mind, the thought – well, there is always tomorrow - sneakily pops out to do a little jig every now and then.
And it’s true that actions matter more than words - perhaps I don’t have to say anything at all. But because what is really felt is way harder to verbalise, because it is much easier to just swallow the words, and because if you really care, you should just say it and seal them with an air of permanence.
But unless there is a way of knowing how many more days of sunrise and sunset I will get to see before the world goes dark completely, the what-could-have-beens and the belly full of words, will likely be buried with me.
The Little Prince on 612 星球 May 17, 2009
Posted by paddyfields in Musings.2 comments
A couple of weeks ago, Kel recommended a song – <612 星球> by Taiwanese pop trio – S.H.E
When I first listened to it, I found the song pretty soothing, and thought nothing more about it. But when I heard it a couple more times, and started to pay attention to the lyrics, they were strangely familiar. There was mention of a rose, a little prince, and asteroid 612.
And that’s when I realised that the song was based on my favourite book – The Little Prince by Antoine De Saint-Exupery.
The Little Prince, written in the 1940s, is a classic and at first glance, seems like a children’s fable. But actually, it transcends age and time, and is one of those rare books that you can either take it at face value, or you can read between the lines, understand it and perhaps love it for the simple, yet universal truths that it conveys.
It is one of those books that over the years, at different points in my life, as I read and re-read it, speaks to me in different ways. It reminded me that yes, truly, what is essential is invisible to the eye. Yet, this simple truth is something that is forgotten time and time again, as we choose to complicate all manner of things and refuse to see without using our eyes.
*****
The Little Prince saw his treasured rose on asteroid 612 for what she was – a beautiful, but vain and boastful rose, who thought that her four little thorns were enough to protect her from the world. He thought she was special, and one of its kind, and took good care of her – watered her, sheltered her from the sun, killed the caterpillars for her.
But after travelling the world, and seeing gardens and gardens of roses, he realised that what he had was just a common rose.
The fox told the Little Prince – Roses are common, they are not unique. But it is the time you have wasted on your rose that makes your rose so important. Because you have tamed the rose, and made her your friend, she alone will be unique to you among the countless number of roses in the world.
The fox and the rose, by allowing themselves to be tamed by the Little Prince, run the risk of a few tears…but what they have gained – is that the rose will never look at the stars and the fox will never look at the corn fields, the same way again.
五月 – 二零零九 May 16, 2009
Posted by paddyfields in Friends.add a comment
This month has been great so far, all due to my friends and colleagues : )
I don’t think I will forget what you guys, in each of your own way, have done to make this month, memorable.
And if I haven’t said it enough, thank you.
Not Alone May 16, 2009
Posted by paddyfields in when i simply don't get it.add a comment
What do you feel when you find out that someone else had a similar experience and went through what you had to face and come to terms with, through those growing up years? Who probably still have to live with the lingering effects till today?
My first thought was – yes – someone else understands what I felt – the incomprehension, the helplessness, the want to escape – during the years when you were supposed to be carefree and happy, when you were supposed to only worry about whether your homework was done or if you were going to be late for school or whether the boy you had a crush on, knew.
But what followed immediately after was - no – someone else understands what I felt. Someone else also went through the same fear, the same futile attempts at trying to make things right in an adult world that we weren’t part of yet and didnt understand, and knowing that what we did was not going to be enough nor help but yet, still trying, sometimes resigned, sometimes desperately.
I realised that I am not alone. And that makes me sad.
Float Away May 10, 2009
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A sense of calm and quiet peace hugs me – a feeling I have not had for a very long time.
No random thoughts that fight to catch a breath of air as they struggle against sinking.
No trying to fit answers bearing shapes that I don’t and may never know, to the little square pegs that anchor me to the ground.
Recognising that some things need to float – maybe they won’t land, maybe they will. I watch, with almost a detached sense of mild curiosity. It’s not just about me – has never been and will always not be.
I hope this feeling sticks around for a while.
London, UK – Singapore, Home May 9, 2009
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Day 4 – Going home!
Woke up pretty early on the last day despite still being quite zonked from the day before. Was determined to at least check out Hyde Park, so Lynnette and I headed there with 45 minutes to spare before I had to get to the airport (Grace has already beaten us to it and set off alone to explore the park)
in front of the marble arch..
gorgeous weather, air so cool, crisp and clean..
I especially like this pix that Lynnette took, showing a fork in the road..
cross road..
What you cant see is that both the diverged paths actually lead to the same road, just at different points of the stretch. Perhaps thats how it is – that when we make a choice, when we choose a path at the cross-roads of our lives, it actually doesnt matter which path we take coz they all lead to the same place…
And that concludes my London trip. It was only 4 days but it was still good to go home to choices, things and people.
************
Postscript – Ok, for those who bothered to read so far, will share the silly things that happened to me in London (actually, they could have happened to anybody ok?)
Our hotel room bathroom had a interesting towel rack which resembled a ladder. What I didnt notice at first was a small sign on the left of the rack – it says – “Beware of the heated towel rail”. Turned out that to keep you all nice and cosy after a shower, the heated towel rail will ensure that your towel is all warm and toasted…
..guess who keeps forgetting and scalded herself each time she grabs her towel??..no prizes though..
And throughout the trip, I dont know why I kept pulling/straining my legs..first was while taking the London tube – I was rushing for the train and the door closed on me. Half of my body was in the train and coz I was trying to get a good grip/stand so I sorta turned my leg..
Then the next day, it was even sillier. On the event day itself, there was alot of people around, and we were handing out our brochures/collaterals. Well, turned out that our brochures were printed on darn slippery surface (either that it was my shoes) and some were scattered on the floor. While trying to check out the sports try-out area and making sure that mayhem has not set in, I slipped on a half-folded piece of brochures. I did a semi-spilt and boy did that hurt! I literally hobbled to the rest area and couldnt move for a while. Darn pathetic lor.
Oh well. It’s funny thinking about it now, and actually when it happened, I knew it would amused pple terribly. Haha! Well, yes, that’s me : )
London, UK – Singapore Day 09 (Part 2) May 9, 2009
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Day 3 – Singapore Day 09, Hampton Court Palace
Woke up and saw the cloudy skies. Uh-oh. For all the good weather that we enjoyed so far, it had to rain on the actual event day…
typical London gloomy weather...
But luckily the skies cleared, and crowds started to fill Hampton Court Palace..
..i must add that the crowds immediately zoomed in for the food..overseas Singaporeans sure missed their hokkien mee, old changkee, chilli crabs etc
Our area was quite popular, and saw lotsa of people…
our wall had many overseas Singaporeans penning their well-wishes for Singapore 2010
Oh, and our spray-painted mural wall look radically different when the day was over : )
hehee, my pathetic attempt cannot be seen anymore...
It was a very tiring day. We were on our feet for many hours, but at the end of it, it was also bone-achingly satisfying. It was an experience talking and chatting with the overseas Singaporeans, many of whom have been away from home for many, many years and missed home alot. To hear of them wishing us well, to hear of them express faith that we will pull it off and organise a successful Games, and to know that many of them will be eagerly watching Singapore 2010 next year, was extremely encouraging and reaffirmed once again, why I am doing this and why I am determined to make this a journey an unforgettable one : )
London, UK – Singapore Day 09 May 8, 2009
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It was bright and sunny, with a chilly wind as we made our way to Hampton Court Palace, an hour’s drive away, for the pre-event set up.
- the empty grounds..for now..
somehow he reminded me of a star wars character..
mine!
..the girls hard at work and with their finished piece - the whyohgee website URL!
sad right? sigh.. somemore kena stray paint all over hands..
..on the long trek to the loo at the faaar side of the grounds..
i am officially part of the porta-loo user group..
..got all excited when i saw the familiar wording and green awnings.. : )
the array of displays at the good hall was simply dazzling!
London, UK May 8, 2009
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Although short and hectic, it was kinda fun too, because of the people I went with. I shared a room with Grace and Lynnette, and the three of us hung out, together with Val (when she wasn’t with her bf), tried to catch a glimpse of London.
And me being me, how could it possibly be that nothing silly happened right? 
Day 1 – London!
Arrived in London on Thursday afternoon. Probably too concussed, so not much pix taken at Heathrow Airport, except for a couple, coz the terminal reminded me of hmm, strangely, a train station..
diana in the foreground, with her "dont include me in the pix!" hee
We spotted this at the airport – and got a lil’ bit excited since we havent seen it before in Singapore. Diana couldnt resist so got one, but sadly, it was frozen solid, and didnt taste as good as we thought it would be..
B&J vending machine! we teased Diana and said that the ice-cream prob wasnt fresh since only suaku tourists like us would buy it...
London weather was chilly, a welcome break from the heatwave sweeping Singapore then. Of course, it got kinda cold for me after two days – especially my hands. There wasn’t any place to stick them – didn’t bring gloves and frankly that would have been a tad too much (not like it was winter lor..)
Street scenes…
such a perfect day to sit out in the park..
street outside our hotel..
brit wit..
We stayed at the Cumberland Hotel. It was really cool! Didn’t look like a hotel at all when we walked in – more like a museum of modern art : )
at the hotel lobby..
love the dresses on display..
The hotel is near the Marble Arch, on one corner of Hyde Park (more on that later, coz that’s the only sorta touristy thing that I did – walked a section of Hyde Park with Lynnette on the last day)
Our room and the view from the window -
that's the Marble Arch on the right, with Hyde Park behind
Didn’t do much on the first day, coz by the time we ventured out for a walk, it was close to 7 pm (and since London was behind Singapore by about 7 hours, you can imagine how spaced out we, or at least, me, were)
Dinner was kinda pathetic. Actually, meals there were bad except breakfast, coz we simply didn’t have much time. In fact for the second night, dinner was Mcdonald’s! Seriously, no one can say that I don’t support our TOP sponsor lor.
jap curry rice and miso soup..the soup was a warm comfort for the chill, btw
And it was back to our hotel room where we promptly conked out after a shower.
One more turn of the page.. May 2, 2009
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Last week marked the near-end of a chapter of my life that has spanned nearly a decade. I will be the first to admit that it has taken far too long to reach here.
Every page turned wasnt easy, and there were long periods of time when I didnt want to do so at all, not because I didnt want to reach the end, but because I was fearful of the journey.
Yet, I already know the ending - it was written a long time ago though I didnt see it at first, and after that, didnt want to acknowledged it. I thought that somehow, it would be different, that if I lingered or if perhaps, change the way I flipped the pages or read it in a different light, place, time – the ending would surprise me, and hopefully, would be pleasant.
Honestly, I knew that it wasnt possible. And now that I am where I am today, it really just takes one more final turn of the page before I can close this chapter for good. But this page is the hardest to turn, and I dont know how long it will take before I can do it, just that I know I will.
Beyond explanation April 19, 2009
Posted by paddyfields in when i simply don't get it.add a comment
You can always find someone to love, and to love you in return. Question is whether the love lasts. Or maybe the question is – should we expect it to last?
If we can agree that everything is transient and that there is no absolute in life, then why do we stubbornly hold on to the notion that love will and should last? Why do we have such an expectation on something so intangible? If we squash such unrealistic belief right from the beginning, will the ensuing disillusionment be that much easier to handle?
And yet – foolishness.
In our pursuit of a soothing balm for the human heart, in our pursuit for something that is so unreliable, so untrustworthy – we play games. We dangle, we tease, we advance, and we retreat. Why do we take such thoughtless liberty with something that has the potential to be so destructive?
And yet - irrationality.
Like moths drawn to light, we know what is the price to pay, we know what the end is. But we continue to search, to seek, to hope. No matter how pointless, no matter long it takes, we carry on, hurtling towards the edge, risking it all for that elusive thing call love.
The indescribable folly of us all.
Striptease April 19, 2009
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I am fast gaining a “reputation” among some at work that for money, I am willing to strip. Hahaha, but all in jest – I am not about to strip in public, at least not when I am sober and know what’s going on ; )
Yes, I dunno what is it about me that pple like to laugh, make fun, tease or dare. This ranges from daring me to go into the guys toilet to check out something “long and hard” ( a wooden bench actually); for laughing at me when I said that the weather’s so hot that I feel like striping (feel like – not actually doing so), and whipping out their wallets to wave money at me, and teasing me that the S2010 booth in London will have long queues of guys with money (more than in Singapore coz weather cold in London and it would take more) and of course the perennial fave of barely suppressed laughter of me being linked to any kind of sporting action.
Someone offered me this explanation – coz I dont get angry, coz it is almost confirmed that I will have a reaction or response (usually silly & funny).
Oh well. I dont actually mind – it is kinda funny and it is true – I dont usually get angry (but when I do, uh-oh, means that it must be very bad) and I am not about to pass up on a dare if it doesnt harm anyone or I dont appear excessively stupid or if within the boundaries of decency & safety (haha, I do have my limits after all).
All in good fun isnt it, especially when everything else gets unbearable, it really helps to laugh it off : )
Let’s have a cuppa April 11, 2009
Posted by paddyfields in Musings.1 comment so far
My DyCEO sent this in the wee hours of Friday morning:
“It is difficult not to have plans, not to organize people around an urgent cause, and not to feel that you are working directly for social progress. But I wonder more and more if the first thing shouldn’t be to know people by name, to eat and drink with them, to listen to their stories and tell your own, and to let them know with words, handshakes, and hugs that you do not simply like them, but truly love them.”
~ Henri Nouwen ~
Careful – fragile April 10, 2009
Posted by paddyfields in Things I don't know.3 comments
On the way to the basketball court on Thursday, we chanced upon a dead bird. That in itself wouldnt be very surprising since I am sure at one point or the other, we have seen roadkill before.
But this wasnt roadkill. It was the way the state of the body was in – no visible wounds or blood. It was just as if it was frozen.
Why is the body like that?
Maybe it committed sucide
How?
Maybe it just decided to stop flapping its wings
That struck me as one of the saddest things in life. Imagine the despair and hopelessness felt to make it decide to just stop doing what was so instinctive in its nature. The fragility of life jolts me sometimes.
Me can do sports (almost) April 10, 2009
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Yesterday was a sporty day. Together with my colleagues who are going to London for Singapore Day 09 (organised by the Overseas Singaporean Unit), we learnt how to play two of the sports – table tennis and basketball – that will form part of the sports try-outs at the Singapore 2010 experience.
First was table-tennis. Turned out that it was harder than we thought to find a table-tennis table to practice on and for someone to teach us (without paying, of course, we are that poor! budget got slashed by over 30%!). In the end, we settled for the half table at the Learning Centre, with a colleague from Sport and Venues teaching us. I wont go into details about how it went except that I have confirmed the hypothesis that I absolutely have no ball sense for anything smaller than a netball.
Basketball was a slightly different matter. At first, we almost had to do in the Learning Centre too, as it was starting to rain. But we decided to still head for the court. Maybe it was coz we had a very good coach in Amanda who first taught us the theory on 3-on-3 basketball before letting us loose with the ball. And I had fun! The almost one hour session on the court, with the sun out again, was great, and I found out several things about my colleagues – including one who plays basketball with the “grace” of a ballet dancer. Me? The rest claimed that I was kinda competitive, but I dont think I was so lah. I was just enjoying the moment with them, and I realised that I havent had such sweaty fun in a long while! : )
Oh, I must say this – when some of my other colleagues found out that I gotta learn how to play four sports (other two being handball and hockey) for Singapore Day, they had a field day laughing at me. I didnt know that they had THAT little faith in me to play sports or cart heavy things, or fix up a basketball hoop (yes, apparently they would only consider believing that I could if there were pix of me putting up the basketball hoop in London).
I am glad that I bring so much “joy” to everyone. : P I shall show all of you! Haha.
Sssh…Listen April 6, 2009
Posted by paddyfields in random thoughts.2 comments
Jeremy Monteiro said on composing – music exists in nature, it is in the air. One just has to be still, silent and listen hard for it.
If I shut out the cacophony of sounds surrounding us everyday, what will I hear and feel? Does every single element, when stripped down to its core, naked self, emit a harmonious tune?
Are we instinctively complicating things that are actually very simple?
Feel but not touch. See but with eyes closed. Listen but not with your ears.
What do you hear?
Dress. Shirt. Stain March 30, 2009
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You wear happiness like a pretty dress or a smart shirt. You smile, you laugh and you shine in it. But how long is it before you have to change, you grow out it, it doesn’t fit anymore? You take it out once in while from the back of your closet – to look at it, to smell it, to feel it slide over your skin – all in a fruitless effort to remember what has long gone.
But grief – it stains your skin indelibly. You try to hide it; you wear a pretty dress or a smart shirt. You wash, you scrub and you bleach. It will fade but take a closer look and you will see that despite all your attempts, there are faint streaks that never go away.
Would you save me? March 29, 2009
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Late night drinks at 2 am on Friday led to a rather spirited discussion involving Hitler, General Yamashita, and a certain breed of dog. But the simple question I wanted an answer was (and I couldnt even recall how the question came about) - to what extent was it a human instinct to save others, whether friends, strangers or enemies, from looming danger.
Factors such as – whether you would be in danger yourself if you attempted to save someone, whether you hated that person (and instead of saving her, she should consider herself lucky that you didnt step on her face after that), and how you would save that person surfaced.
Granted that given the luxury of time, those considerations and more would definitely be thought through. But I was more interested to know – at that instant, that spilt second when you had to make a choice, would it be an instinct to save and protect? A stranger, someone you disliked, much less someone you care about?
I thought it was so for me (of course being the klutzy person that I am, I am not sure if my attempts to save would lead to worst consequences but ok, not the point here). I am not a brave person – I peek through my already slitted eyes at horror movies, my heart skips a beat at the sight or thought of blood oozing from wounds – but yet, I think I would save someone if I had to, when there is no time to think if I should or could. Perhaps it is because if I didnt, I would forever wonder why I did not, and that I was actually such a selfish person after all. Survival of the fittest – but to what extent? I was pretty sure my friends whom I was with, would do the same too, although one was not entirely convinced, and the other was half asleep.
True, not a very meaningful conversation. I should know better than try to see the world in black and white. We could debate till day break but there would be no answer because none of us were ever in that situation and everything was hypothetical. Plus it was a 2 am discussion, tempered with alcohol after all. But yet, I wonder.
Laughter. Enough March 23, 2009
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Is laughter ever gonna be enough?
Will it ever gonna drown out the day?
Does it make you remember, and in remembering, forget
Does it make you realise it is not the answer, not for everything anyway
Will it cease one day and let silence take a turn?
Will silence talk to you, more than laughter ever would?
Is that what you want, will that make you pleased?
Or will you hanker after what has long gone?
Just for the chance to ask again -
Is laughter ever gonna be enough?
Rocky road March 15, 2009
Posted by paddyfields in All about Me! Me! Me!, Exercise.1 comment so far
It wasn’t ice-cream that I was indulging in last week that left me all worked up in a sweat, but my first attempt at rock-climbing.
Yes, another one of those things that I decided to try and to push myself to see how far I can go. I guess to many, rock-climbing may not a sport or activity that is extreme enough to warrant that label. But it was one for me, and since this is my blog, my words count 
Anyway, so I tried it out. Didnt have lessons, just went there and was told to just climb. Of course, I learnt how to tie the harness, how to give a signal when I wanted to climb so that my belayer (the person who holds on to the rope linking to your harness, keeping it taut so that you can climb) will know etc.
There were three types of walls, one that inclines inwards, one that was vertical, and the other that protrudes (ok, I am sure there are proper terminology for all these, but anyway, you get the idea). I didnt really know the difference, so started off at the vertical wall.
It was okay at first, but mid-way, I found that it was tougher than it looked. I had to stretch to reach and hold on to the next rock, and then after steadying my feet, had to sorta hoist myself up. Perspiration was pouring down my face and I really looked a mess. I think I was stuck up there forever as I rested before trying. Felt quite bad for my belayer coz I took so long and I dont think I was that light.
Honestly, the thought of just giving up and coming down crossed my mind a couple of times. Perhaps due a little to pride, but more so coz I know if I give up and come down, I may not want to try again and the feeling of not perservering to the end will be something that I regret. So I hung on (literally), told myself to just do it, and I did.
Ok, so I was, like, exhausted after that. But that was an extremely good feeling, equivalent or better than having ice-cream on a hot summer day 
