坚持还是执著 July 5, 2009
Posted by paddyfields in Things I don't know.1 comment so far
渴望在手掌外的人与物， 如果是意外，侥幸，苦追得到了后，就会有勇气紧握着吗？
或是会发现，原来的坚持， 其实只是一时的想不开，一时无法觉悟。
错觉的坚持是执著，要松开拳头，放开手，承认自己的掌心没那么大，没那么宽，没办法捉着不能拥有的。
坚持还是执著，要分得清。
Passing through July 4, 2009
Posted by paddyfields in Things I don't know.1 comment so far
Just how well do you think you know someone? You can live with someone all your life or be friends for eons, but one day, you wake up, or a moment hits, and you think – who are you?
Everything that you once believed is true, assumptions that you made, conclusions that you have drawn, expectations that you had or thought you had to fulfil, turns out to be, well, not so right. And you wonder – What went wrong? Did I try hard enough? At what point were the tinted glasses slipped on?
People change, you may say. Is that really the case? Maybe so, but to an extent that you don’t know the person anymore? Or maybe you were never really allowed into his/her life.
Perhaps I just cannot live up to those expectations. You can say that I didn’t try hard enough. But I feel tired. I don’t want to have to live my life anymore on someone’s terms or on someone’s view of what I should or shouldn’t be.
When recognition sets in that the differences divide is too wide to cross, perhaps it is time to part ways. Continually trying to build and mend that bridge is just going to exhaust you.
You can say I am selfish, insincere, can’t be bothered. But I also believe that it takes two to make things work, and that most people are not meant to have a permanent stake in your life, but merely making stops of varying duration there before they continue along their own journey.
What I know (and you don’t).. :) June 21, 2009
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It was not without some trepidation that I walked into the dimly lit room. Yes, I have to credit attempts to make me feel at ease and reassured but it could not distract me from what was coming*
Why did I agree to this and countless variations of that sentiment ran through my mind, all of which pointed to the same conclusion – I am such a sucker. But it was too late. To back out now will be nothing short of embarrassing, not to mention being bestowed the Ms C sash – coward with a capital C.
A year of new experiences – I tell myself. But this kind of experience? The little halo-ed one said primly, dusting her white frock. Why not? Don’t be such a goody two shoes, he sneered, prodding me forward with his pitchfork.
Ouch. Fine. 1-0 to the tail-swishing one.
So I did it. Some discomfort. Lotsa of inane talk – I don’t think I have engaged in a conversation that is so pointless and forgettable in a long, long while.
Half hour later I emerged. Ok, so as with most experiences that you didn’t want to try, the moment it was over, 6/6 vision became 6/12, and memory lapses set in. Not that bad after all, I thought, although I am not sure if I am about to repeat it (but I was told that it gets “addictive”)
It wasn’t very different, yet it was too. Regret? Nah – don’t think so. Not now anyway.
*Btw, don’t try to guess. It is probably not what you think it is 
In the dark June 18, 2009
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a week has never felt so long.
increasingly i am starting to feel that being dependable means that (alot) more is expected of you. being trusted means you pick up the pieces that others have haphazardly thrown and then having to piece them together quickly and accurately. not drawing lines means that the circle around you grows wider and wider
i dont want to forget the end in mind, and what this means to us collectively, or more selfishly, perhaps, what it means to me personally
i dont want this to be just another job – watching the clock, getting through the day. heck, i’ve been through that before and it is really not where i want to end up again
i dont want to lose the determination, passion and pride in what i am doing.
but disappointingly, i feel that i am losing sight.
Still on the subject (but also not quite..) June 7, 2009
Posted by paddyfields in when i simply don't get it.2 comments
Lent the collected short stories of Roald Dahl to a colleague about two weeks ago as he had the misconception that Dahl only authored children’s stories. A couple of days after that, he told me that the book didn’t engage him very much, and hence, had been reading the book very slowly.
Told him not to waste his time reading it if he doesn’t like it. There are too many good books out there that we will never be able to read in our entire lifetime, so why waste time on those that you know is not your cup of tea? But despite mentioning this twice to him, I still haven’t gotten my book back.
Strange isn’t it? Holding on to something when you know that it is not worth the effort or that the returns will be far less than what you put in. Why are we preoccupied with the idea of one more try or a second chance? Some things don’t change – even with the passing of time.
Such foolishness.
A note from my (soon-to-be) books :) June 7, 2009
Posted by paddyfields in Books.1 comment so far
“Hello!
(Your book(s) asked to write you a personal note – it seemed unusual, but who are we to say no?)
Holy canasta! It’s me… it’s me! I can’t believe it is actually me! You could have picked any of over 2 million books but you picked me! I’ve got to get packed! How is the weather where you live? Will I need a dust jacket? I can’t believe I’m leaving Mishawaka, Indiana already – the friendly people, the Hummer plant, the Linebacker Lounge – so many memories. I don’t have much time to say goodbye to everyone, but it’s time to see the world
I can’t wait to meet you! You sound like such a well read person. Although, I have to say, it sure has taken you a while! I don’t mean to sound ungrateful, but how would you like to spend five months sandwiched between Jane Eyre (drama queen)and Fundamentals of Thermodynamics (pyromaniac)? At least Jane was an upgrade from that stupid book on brewing beer. How many times did the ol’ brewmaster have one too many and topple off our shelf at 2am
I know the trip to meet you will be long and fraught with peril, but after the close calls I’ve had, I’m ready for anything (besides, some of my best friends are suspense novels). Just five months ago, I thought I was a goner. My owner was moving and couldn’t take me with her. I was sure I was landfill bait until I ended up in a Better World Books book drive bin. Thanks to your socially conscious book shopping, I’ve found a new home. Even better, your book buying dollars are helping kids read from Brazil to Botswana”
Sure beats the boring – “Your book order has been shipped…” email message, isnt it? 
Check out www.betterworld.com
As I chew on my waffle … May 31, 2009
Posted by paddyfields in Musings.2 comments
Someone said to me today – why are most of your blog entries so melancholic? Where got – I said automatically, but the moment the words were uttered, I knew that I wasn’t gonna win the argument.
Ok, so my posts tend to border on the pensive sort. That’s because being reflective is quite the default mode for me although I can also be full of rubbish and nonsense too.
Nature or nurture, I don’t really know but I do recall that even when I was young, I was quite the loner, and prefer my own company to being part of the crowd.
Of course I can be sociable and I don’t really have problems talking to people – I wouldn’t be in this line if I am not. But too much of it tires me and time to be alone with my thoughts, emotions and dreams, is very important to me.
With all these reflections, there must be some form of outlet. I am not an expressive person and all these years, holding back how I feel seemed like second nature to me. I think I have improved though, and being slightly better with the written word, came the birth of this blog, where I dump all those swirling thoughts in my head.
But as little markers remind me daily to count my blessings, perhaps I should make an effort to inject a little more frivolity and fun in my posts. I do have a lot to be thankful for in my little waffle of life – all the little squares representing different things may not be filled evenly or to the brim with maple syrup, but it is how big or small a bite I choose to take to make sure that every mouthful is still tinged with some sweetness. :)
(20 x 5) / 4 (- 23) = ? May 30, 2009
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“The thing about mistakes? Even if you know it is a mistake, sometimes you gotta make them anyway so that you can look back and say for sure that it was a mistake.”
Do we have to keep making mistakes, just so that we can say for sure it was one? What does that prove – that we have lived a full life? That we have gone forth courageously, trusting our instincts and if those turned out to be wrong, well, we tried?
The more intelligent thing to do is to make sure that you don’t make the same mistakes again. Yes, life is about taking calculated risks but please make sure that your math is up to mark first.
Atypical Day May 21, 2009
Posted by paddyfields in when i simply don't get it.3 comments
It’s not everyday that you get to find out that …
… the benefit of doubt that you gave, never mind that it was just a shred, was a complete and utter waste of time and effort;
… while you were trying to make sense of what happened, and perhaps even wondering if it was partly your doing, that self-reflection was obviously not a phrase that is understood nor applied by everyone;
… when you had every right to something but didn’t get nor did you demand, that it was given so willingly to one who does not have any claim at all;
… lies could so easily spew forth from some, and spoken with such regularity and conviction that it actually seemed so real;
… the choice to not air linen in public was laughable because someone actually hung it for you long ago, smeared it with dirt and said you caused it;
… you have been a total fool, drowning in the sea of sheer stupidity, while others were basking in the sun on a crowded beach.
Today was such a day.
Sunrise. Sunset. A Ticking Clock May 19, 2009
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I dreamt, a week ago, of huge waves crashing, swallowing people, buildings and everything in its path. As the waves loom in front of me, threatening to engulf me in a matter of seconds, I tried, in a futile attempt to close the windows, bolt the door, to put as much distance as I could between me and the impending destructive force. But a deep sense of regret hit me first - that I will never have the chance to tell the people that I care about, just how much they mean to me.
*****
Sometimes, I wish I know how much borrowed time I have left. Maybe then I will finally acknowledge what or who matters. A ticking clock gives you the courage to do or say things that you were never able to in the past.
Live the day as if it was your last - is really quite different from - live the day because it is your last. Yes, we can live each day without regrets now (or try to) but admit it, at the back of your mind, the thought – well, there is always tomorrow - sneakily pops out to do a little jig every now and then.
And it’s true that actions matter more than words - perhaps I don’t have to say anything at all. But because what is really felt is way harder to verbalise, because it is much easier to just swallow the words, and because if you really care, you should just say it and seal them with an air of permanence.
But unless there is a way of knowing how many more days of sunrise and sunset I will get to see before the world goes dark completely, the what-could-have-beens and the belly full of words, will likely be buried with me.
The Little Prince on 612 星球 May 17, 2009
Posted by paddyfields in Musings.2 comments
A couple of weeks ago, Kel recommended a song – <612 星球> by Taiwanese pop trio – S.H.E
When I first listened to it, I found the song pretty soothing, and thought nothing more about it. But when I heard it a couple more times, and started to pay attention to the lyrics, they were strangely familiar. There was mention of a rose, a little prince, and asteroid 612.
And that’s when I realised that the song was based on my favourite book – The Little Prince by Antoine De Saint-Exupery.
The Little Prince, written in the 1940s, is a classic and at first glance, seems like a children’s fable. But actually, it transcends age and time, and is one of those rare books that you can either take it at face value, or you can read between the lines, understand it and perhaps love it for the simple, yet universal truths that it conveys.
It is one of those books that over the years, at different points in my life, as I read and re-read it, speaks to me in different ways. It reminded me that yes, truly, what is essential is invisible to the eye. Yet, this simple truth is something that is forgotten time and time again, as we choose to complicate all manner of things and refuse to see without using our eyes.
*****
The Little Prince saw his treasured rose on asteroid 612 for what she was – a beautiful, but vain and boastful rose, who thought that her four little thorns were enough to protect her from the world. He thought she was special, and one of its kind, and took good care of her – watered her, sheltered her from the sun, killed the caterpillars for her.
But after travelling the world, and seeing gardens and gardens of roses, he realised that what he had was just a common rose.
The fox told the Little Prince – Roses are common, they are not unique. But it is the time you have wasted on your rose that makes your rose so important. Because you have tamed the rose, and made her your friend, she alone will be unique to you among the countless number of roses in the world.
The fox and the rose, by allowing themselves to be tamed by the Little Prince, run the risk of a few tears…but what they have gained – is that the rose will never look at the stars and the fox will never look at the corn fields, the same way again.
五月 – 二零零九 May 16, 2009
Posted by paddyfields in Friends.add a comment
This month has been great so far, all due to my friends and colleagues : )
I don’t think I will forget what you guys, in each of your own way, have done to make this month, memorable.
And if I haven’t said it enough, thank you.
Not Alone May 16, 2009
Posted by paddyfields in when i simply don't get it.add a comment
What do you feel when you find out that someone else had a similar experience and went through what you had to face and come to terms with, through those growing up years? Who probably still have to live with the lingering effects till today?
My first thought was – yes – someone else understands what I felt – the incomprehension, the helplessness, the want to escape – during the years when you were supposed to be carefree and happy, when you were supposed to only worry about whether your homework was done or if you were going to be late for school or whether the boy you had a crush on, knew.
But what followed immediately after was - no – someone else understands what I felt. Someone else also went through the same fear, the same futile attempts at trying to make things right in an adult world that we weren’t part of yet and didnt understand, and knowing that what we did was not going to be enough nor help but yet, still trying, sometimes resigned, sometimes desperately.
I realised that I am not alone. And that makes me sad.
Float Away May 10, 2009
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A sense of calm and quiet peace hugs me – a feeling I have not had for a very long time.
No random thoughts that fight to catch a breath of air as they struggle against sinking.
No trying to fit answers bearing shapes that I don’t and may never know, to the little square pegs that anchor me to the ground.
Recognising that some things need to float – maybe they won’t land, maybe they will. I watch, with almost a detached sense of mild curiosity. It’s not just about me – has never been and will always not be.
I hope this feeling sticks around for a while.
London, UK – Singapore, Home May 9, 2009
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Day 4 – Going home!
Woke up pretty early on the last day despite still being quite zonked from the day before. Was determined to at least check out Hyde Park, so Lynnette and I headed there with 45 minutes to spare before I had to get to the airport (Grace has already beaten us to it and set off alone to explore the park)
in front of the marble arch..
gorgeous weather, air so cool, crisp and clean..
I especially like this pix that Lynnette took, showing a fork in the road..
cross road..
What you cant see is that both the diverged paths actually lead to the same road, just at different points of the stretch. Perhaps thats how it is – that when we make a choice, when we choose a path at the cross-roads of our lives, it actually doesnt matter which path we take coz they all lead to the same place…
And that concludes my London trip. It was only 4 days but it was still good to go home to choices, things and people.
************
Postscript – Ok, for those who bothered to read so far, will share the silly things that happened to me in London (actually, they could have happened to anybody ok?)
Our hotel room bathroom had a interesting towel rack which resembled a ladder. What I didnt notice at first was a small sign on the left of the rack – it says – “Beware of the heated towel rail”. Turned out that to keep you all nice and cosy after a shower, the heated towel rail will ensure that your towel is all warm and toasted…
..guess who keeps forgetting and scalded herself each time she grabs her towel??..no prizes though..
And throughout the trip, I dont know why I kept pulling/straining my legs..first was while taking the London tube – I was rushing for the train and the door closed on me. Half of my body was in the train and coz I was trying to get a good grip/stand so I sorta turned my leg..
Then the next day, it was even sillier. On the event day itself, there was alot of people around, and we were handing out our brochures/collaterals. Well, turned out that our brochures were printed on darn slippery surface (either that it was my shoes) and some were scattered on the floor. While trying to check out the sports try-out area and making sure that mayhem has not set in, I slipped on a half-folded piece of brochures. I did a semi-spilt and boy did that hurt! I literally hobbled to the rest area and couldnt move for a while. Darn pathetic lor.
Oh well. It’s funny thinking about it now, and actually when it happened, I knew it would amused pple terribly. Haha! Well, yes, that’s me : )
London, UK – Singapore Day 09 (Part 2) May 9, 2009
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Day 3 – Singapore Day 09, Hampton Court Palace
Woke up and saw the cloudy skies. Uh-oh. For all the good weather that we enjoyed so far, it had to rain on the actual event day…
typical London gloomy weather...
But luckily the skies cleared, and crowds started to fill Hampton Court Palace..
..i must add that the crowds immediately zoomed in for the food..overseas Singaporeans sure missed their hokkien mee, old changkee, chilli crabs etc
Our area was quite popular, and saw lotsa of people…
our wall had many overseas Singaporeans penning their well-wishes for Singapore 2010
Oh, and our spray-painted mural wall look radically different when the day was over : )
hehee, my pathetic attempt cannot be seen anymore...
It was a very tiring day. We were on our feet for many hours, but at the end of it, it was also bone-achingly satisfying. It was an experience talking and chatting with the overseas Singaporeans, many of whom have been away from home for many, many years and missed home alot. To hear of them wishing us well, to hear of them express faith that we will pull it off and organise a successful Games, and to know that many of them will be eagerly watching Singapore 2010 next year, was extremely encouraging and reaffirmed once again, why I am doing this and why I am determined to make this a journey an unforgettable one : )
London, UK – Singapore Day 09 May 8, 2009
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It was bright and sunny, with a chilly wind as we made our way to Hampton Court Palace, an hour’s drive away, for the pre-event set up.
- the empty grounds..for now..
somehow he reminded me of a star wars character..
mine!
..the girls hard at work and with their finished piece - the whyohgee website URL!
sad right? sigh.. somemore kena stray paint all over hands..
..on the long trek to the loo at the faaar side of the grounds..
i am officially part of the porta-loo user group..
..got all excited when i saw the familiar wording and green awnings.. : )
the array of displays at the good hall was simply dazzling!
London, UK May 8, 2009
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Although short and hectic, it was kinda fun too, because of the people I went with. I shared a room with Grace and Lynnette, and the three of us hung out, together with Val (when she wasn’t with her bf), tried to catch a glimpse of London.
And me being me, how could it possibly be that nothing silly happened right? 
Day 1 – London!
Arrived in London on Thursday afternoon. Probably too concussed, so not much pix taken at Heathrow Airport, except for a couple, coz the terminal reminded me of hmm, strangely, a train station..
diana in the foreground, with her "dont include me in the pix!" hee
We spotted this at the airport – and got a lil’ bit excited since we havent seen it before in Singapore. Diana couldnt resist so got one, but sadly, it was frozen solid, and didnt taste as good as we thought it would be..
B&J vending machine! we teased Diana and said that the ice-cream prob wasnt fresh since only suaku tourists like us would buy it...
London weather was chilly, a welcome break from the heatwave sweeping Singapore then. Of course, it got kinda cold for me after two days – especially my hands. There wasn’t any place to stick them – didn’t bring gloves and frankly that would have been a tad too much (not like it was winter lor..)
Street scenes…
such a perfect day to sit out in the park..
street outside our hotel..
brit wit..
We stayed at the Cumberland Hotel. It was really cool! Didn’t look like a hotel at all when we walked in – more like a museum of modern art : )
at the hotel lobby..
love the dresses on display..
The hotel is near the Marble Arch, on one corner of Hyde Park (more on that later, coz that’s the only sorta touristy thing that I did – walked a section of Hyde Park with Lynnette on the last day)
Our room and the view from the window -
that's the Marble Arch on the right, with Hyde Park behind
Didn’t do much on the first day, coz by the time we ventured out for a walk, it was close to 7 pm (and since London was behind Singapore by about 7 hours, you can imagine how spaced out we, or at least, me, were)
Dinner was kinda pathetic. Actually, meals there were bad except breakfast, coz we simply didn’t have much time. In fact for the second night, dinner was Mcdonald’s! Seriously, no one can say that I don’t support our TOP sponsor lor.
jap curry rice and miso soup..the soup was a warm comfort for the chill, btw
And it was back to our hotel room where we promptly conked out after a shower.
One more turn of the page.. May 2, 2009
Posted by paddyfields in Relationships.add a comment
Last week marked the near-end of a chapter of my life that has spanned nearly a decade. I will be the first to admit that it has taken far too long to reach here.
Every page turned wasnt easy, and there were long periods of time when I didnt want to do so at all, not because I didnt want to reach the end, but because I was fearful of the journey.
Yet, I already know the ending - it was written a long time ago though I didnt see it at first, and after that, didnt want to acknowledged it. I thought that somehow, it would be different, that if I lingered or if perhaps, change the way I flipped the pages or read it in a different light, place, time – the ending would surprise me, and hopefully, would be pleasant.
Honestly, I knew that it wasnt possible. And now that I am where I am today, it really just takes one more final turn of the page before I can close this chapter for good. But this page is the hardest to turn, and I dont know how long it will take before I can do it, just that I know I will.
Beyond explanation April 19, 2009
Posted by paddyfields in when i simply don't get it.add a comment
You can always find someone to love, and to love you in return. Question is whether the love lasts. Or maybe the question is – should we expect it to last?
If we can agree that everything is transient and that there is no absolute in life, then why do we stubbornly hold on to the notion that love will and should last? Why do we have such an expectation on something so intangible? If we squash such unrealistic belief right from the beginning, will the ensuing disillusionment be that much easier to handle?
And yet – foolishness.
In our pursuit of a soothing balm for the human heart, in our pursuit for something that is so unreliable, so untrustworthy – we play games. We dangle, we tease, we advance, and we retreat. Why do we take such thoughtless liberty with something that has the potential to be so destructive?
And yet - irrationality.
Like moths drawn to light, we know what is the price to pay, we know what the end is. But we continue to search, to seek, to hope. No matter how pointless, no matter long it takes, we carry on, hurtling towards the edge, risking it all for that elusive thing call love.
The indescribable folly of us all.
